Substance Free Fun Me

"Sometimes the best way to be yourself is to get to that place where you don't have to be anything else."

Lately I wonder who I am now that I'm not pregnant anymore. I've been either pregnant, trying to get pregnant or post partom for literally two years now. Two years and two months. After all that pregnancy I'm now a mommy--a real mother--and that as well is all consuming. How do you invest all of your love, time, and energy into becoming a mother and being a mother and then have room for your original identity as well. Remember that person that resides inside you prepregnancy?

Well, I'm sitting here, wearing jeans (without an elastic waist), sneakers, and a Red Sox raglan shirt, and I'm actually writing so I guess I'm more me than I have been in many, many years. I went through a long phase after high school where the only time I would be caught dead in a pair of sneakers was if I was at the gym, and even then, they had to be cute sneakers. My sporty high school self would have hated the collegiate me who took a shower, blow dried my hair and put on make up before working out. But then I got over that stage too and I got married and I got pregnant. And now I've been in this maternity clothes phase for quite some time and yes everyone says how cute you look in empire waist shirts and flip flops that are a size bigger than normal, but really--that maternity phase isn't me either, it was just a time in my life where I put all my other life "normals" on hold. When you're pregnant, drinking is on hold, so a lot of your social life is on hold too, besides the fact that bedtime comes a lot sooner when you're sleeping for two. Even sitting comfortably was a problem in the last month of my last pregnancy so who even wants to go anywhere in a car and have to stop every fifteen minutes to find a bathroom? I missed half of my best friend's thirtieth birthday because my feet were so swollen after our chinese food dinner that I wouldn't have been able to keep up with everyone else at the club---not to mention, who wants to see a pregnant chick at a club anyway? Everyone would be like, "don't dance with me--what if your water breaks?" lol.

My point is, in the last few years of fostering the growth of two beautiful fetuses, I've lost touch a little with my old self and even my old friends.

I was noticing on facebook the other day how many people are still friends with the people they were friends with in high school.  It seems like everyone I know still hangs around with their high school best friends except for me.  My two closest friends I've been friends with since before high school, so I can't totally exclude myself completely from this category, but in general, my clique has dissolved. 

I guess it surprises me a little because back then we were like sisters. Originally there were three of us and we did absolutely everything together. We spent so much time together that we habitually shortened words and only said the necessary syllables and yet could still understand each other's conversation. We had sleepovers every weekend, we shared clothes, we knew exactly how many bagel bites the other would eat and who liked the ones with the burnt edges and who didn't. We consistently emptied ketchup bottles at Friendly's and The 99.  We knew each other's hand writing, crushes, fears and favorite names for future children. As we got older, three or four more girls joined our gaggle and we were a solidified "group of friends". Even as we entered college, we still remained close--mostly. But by the time the four years of college were over, all but two of these girls seemd like near strangers.

I always looked at other groups of friends and imagined that there was no way they were as tight as me and my friends, but I must have been mistaken. It's one of the many times that I look back and think, I didn't know it all back then, I guess.

This past weekend, Margaret, my bestie since high school that I still hang out with on the reg, and myself were invited to a birthday party at Jump On In, with our children of course. I haven't had so much fun in ages. Our boys are both toddlers and they of course, enjoyed the bouncy houses, but not as much as their post pardom mothers did. When you enter these little bouncy houses, if you are bigger than say, 75 pounds, your weight makes the walls and floors sort of sink under you. Well, that made Margaret and I laugh hysterically as our little boys would fall into the sink holes we created in the blow up houses. Now that I'm not pregnant and I'm twenty pounds freer, I was jumping and climbing and going down slides with my little man on my lap and it felt good. I didn't realize how much I missed being physical and playing! And having my high school best friend there as well made me feel young again and the sudden connection I had to the girl who I'd buried for the last twelve years began to emerge. We had so much fun--like real, good hearted, old fashioned, substance free fun. Remember slumber parties and laughing so hard that you became light headed drunk on happiness? It was like that.

Hello there, Shan. Nice to see you again.

Why Does Over Priced Flavored Coffee Remind Us of Our Youth?

My husband and I took the kids to Maine last weekend for a perfect fall getaway. We planned to go apple picking, pumpkin buying, and country fair attending.  With all the beautiful scenic driving we did it seems that we saw signs for fall flavored everything everywhere...we started talking about how in the last few years it seems that the pumpkin craze becomes more and more intense each fall.  First it was pumpkin flavored beer. Next came pumpkin donuts, iced coffee, muffins, etc. Recently I saw pumpkin wine. I thought wine was made out of grapes? How does this even happen? Fermented pumpkin? I'm just not sure...

What I've come to realize is that our generation...the Xers and the Yers...are obsessed with trying to capture the moment. Everything we do is to create the ambiance and atmosphere that we hope to look back on and remember fondly someday. We are, so to speak, attempting to live our present lives in the form of fond memories. We subconsciously think that if we have candles that smell like Mom's Famous Apple Pie and if we have drinks by the fire that taste like homemade pumpkin bread then we are creating a cozy life that we can appreciate later on. How many people posted facebook status updates about "hoodie weather and pumpkin lattes" this past weekend when the weather finally felt a little brisk?

The truth is, those memories we have as children that we are trying to hang on to didn't come from scented candles and fruity beer...they came from actually baking apple pies with your family and having a mother who took the time to roast a turkey in the oven all day so it smelled delicious and who after your bath to comb out your hair and tuck you into bed smelling all delicious like Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo. These are some of the reasons why I couldn't wait to be a mom. I couldn't wait to do things like this with and for my kids. There are specific days that stand out in my mind of my child hood and I often think about what I would have to do as a parent to make sure my kids have those same feelings to look back on.

And yet, on our way to go apple picking, while my children wail in the backseat of the car and I stretch from the passenger seat to search for a binky that has going missing in action I yell to my husband to stop at the nearest Dunkin Donuts because I have a god-darned head ache and I want to finally try this supposed magical thing called pumpkin iced coffee. Here goes nothing.

Freakin Dunkin Donuts, man. They never get it right. After all the anticipation and conversation about pumpkin iced coffee those jerks gave me a medium iced regular. Why do I bother?

A few days later, back in the good old city, I was out running errands.  My goal was to get my grocery shopping done, but I thought, hey, I can't very well grocery shop without a delicious iced coffee...and I still haven't tried that pumpkin flavor....

So then I realized I had to go to the ATM if I was going to get a coffee and I wasn't about to pay a fee and I had no idea where my nearest bank was to the grocery story I'd been heading to. I plugged the bank name into my GPS, followed it blindly until it told me that I had reached my destination, only to find out I was literally in the middle of Rte 1 at just about the only place on the entire stretch of road with not a single business around.  I tried again, found the correct address of the bank, and after that took my in the total opposite direction, I finally found a dunkin donuts, ordered the darn thing, and headed to the grocery store.

You jerks! Pumpkin iced coffee tastes like soap!

Just Another Day in Paradise

So today, at about nine thirty, I had totally planned on writing this blog and entitling it "Super Mom" because that's what I felt like. But let's be serious. Today has been ridiculous.

So since Sunday night Bo hasn't been feeling well. He was up literally all night whining and crying which meant that between Bear's feedings I was trying to calm my bigger boy down enough for any of us to get some sleep. Eventually he ended up in our bed and while that gained us a little shut eye, everyone knows sleeping with a toddler is the sweetest and LEAST comfortable thing you can do. I still have a heel indentation in my cheek to prove it.

This morning started off with everyone waking up too early and wanting to be right in Daddy's way while he got ready for work. While I was pouring some milk into Bo's sippy cup, he was busy dumping the cat's water bowl all over himself and the kitchen floor. Once I had him changed into dry clothes I put him in the living room (with gates up) while I cleaned up the mess. In the kitchen two rooms away I could hear his angry tears. He was pissed at me for taking him away from the water bowl, for changing his clothes, for having a stuffy nose, the list goes on. Suddenly the living room became too quiet. When I rushed in to see what was or wasn't happening, I found my little angel with a huge cup of water that had been left out the night before, dumping it all over the hard wood floors and stomping around in it. Really? Needless to say we needed another new outfit which made him even more angry at me and runny-nose-tear-filled-boogers ran wild.

Later, when everyone had settled down, I wanted to try to get some things done. My goals for each day are basic. 1. try to get the boys some fresh air for at least fifteen minutes. 2. Try to do at least one household chore 3. try to do at least one thing for myself  4. try to get everyone a well balanced breakfast, lunch and dinner.

For myself, I clipped my toenails. For fresh air, I put Bear in the baby bjorn and Bo on his leash (errm I mean backpack) and we walked around near the pond and pointed at cars and said "car?" several hundred times. When we got back, Bo went in for a bap and with Bear snoozing in my kangaroo pouch, I decided to sanitize all the plastic things that go in the boy's mouths since Bo wasn't feeling well. Hard as I try, I can't be certain that Bo doesn't stick Bear's binky in his mouth when I'm not looking. Also, let's be honest, when Bo wakes up screaming at three am and I give him tylenol or gas drops or whatever and I'm all bleary eyes and half asleep---I don't always wash the medicine dropper with soap and hot water. So, I get all the stuff in the sanitizer bag and I'm feeling all super-mom-ish.

Well, half the shit melted in the sanitizer bag, including that awesome bulbous boogy sucker that I got from the hospital when LB was born. WTH?

The rest of the day was more of the same. Bobby was so cranky, his nose was so runny, he kept tripping over his own feet and falling, usually while I was nursing Bear, which made it hard to console him. He was pestering the car until he finally got scratched him the face.  When all is said and done, he is sound asleep in his crib by 6:50 and I am definitely getting "The Lucky One" on demand tonight, I don't care if it's $5.99 for HD.  However, I think I will save my super mom blog for another day.

Song for the day? Just Another Day in Paradise by Phil Vassar

The kids screaming, phone ringing
Dog barking at the mailman bringing
That stack of bills - overdue
Good morning baby, how are you?
Got a half hour, quick shower
Take a drink of milk but the milk's gone sour
My funny face makes you laugh
Twist the top on and I put it back
There goes the washing machine
Baby, don't kick it.
I promise I'll fix it
Long about a million other things

Well, it's ok. It's so nice
It's just another day in paradise
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be
Well, it's two hearts
And one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the lord every night
For just another day in paradise

Friday, you're late
Guess we'll never make our dinner date
At the restaurant you start to cry
Baby, we'll just improvise
Well, plan B looks like
Dominoes' pizza in the candle light
Then we'll tippy toe to our room
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/phil-vassar-lyrics/just-another-day-in-paradise-lyrics.html )
Make a little love that's overdue
But somebody had a bad dream
Mama and daddy
Can meand my teddy
Come in to sleep in between?

Yeah it's ok. It's so nice.
It's just another day in paradise.
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be
Well, it's two hearts
And one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the lord every night
For just another day in paradise

Well, it's ok. It's so nice.
It's just another day in paradise.
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be
Two hearts
And one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the lord every night
For just another day in paradise

For just another day in paradise
Well, it's the kids screaming. The phone ringing
Just another day
Well, it's Friday. You're late
Oh yeah, it's just another day in paradise

My son's name is Bear

I'm not the kind of person who frets over too many things that I can't control.  I don't think about sharks when I go swimming in the ocean, I'm not afraid of catching the Triple E virus when I'm outside on a summer night. There are only two things in this world that I have an irrational (or totally rational) fear of.

One is tornadoes. I actually like thunder and lightning storms, I don't even mind a good hurricane warning and some random hail. But God help me when that TV flashes the sign about a G-D tornado warning, my blood runs COLD. What the hell would you do if you saw a twister coming your way? I mean seriously? You see it coming at you--and you don't even know if you should stay where you are or run because the darn thing goes in whichever direction it pleases. And what if you are in your car in traffic? Do you get out and run or hope that it passes you by?

Anyway, the second fear is bears. Even though I've only been a few times, I really do like camping and I love outdoorsy-nature-woodland stuff. However, bears are a huge fear of mine. There are two kinds of bears to fear, the black bear and the grizzly bear. One of these bears gets intimidated if you act all big and loud and scare him off. The other will leave you alone if you play dead. The only problem is, I can never remember which is which, so what if I play dead to the bear that you are supposed to scare off?? What if I yell and scream at the bear that I'm supposed to play dead to? UGH!

Anyway, my original thoughts when starting this blog were that, My son is named Bear. And some people like it and some people don't.  I can't think of a more awesome creature than a Bear. They can run faster than you, swim faster than you and climb trees. They can tear you apart with their massive paws and teeth, yet we snuggle up to them and find comfort in them as children. I get it if you don't understand the name Bear, but honestly, whenever I hear someone call him by his name I think, "Wow. What a cool name." I hope he feels that way someday too. Maybe not when he is twelve, but maybe someday he will know that we have always believed he is THAT awesome.

He's Here

Well, Baby Bear is officially here. He is eleven days old and it has taken me this long to find time to sit down at the computer. And to be honest, right now I am typing as quietly as possible because I am currently, as we speak, re-sleep-training Bo and doing the whole ignoring him while he rolls around in his crib and bangs on the railing thing. Also, Bear is in a rock-and-play thing beside me grumbling because he wants to eat AGAIN...it will be his third feeding in two hours. Not sure if we should have named him Bear, he takes his name very seriously and eats every evening like he is going into hibernation.

So, what has it been like getting used to have two babies at home? Well, put it this way, I've nursed Bear in the front seat of my car in three parking lots in the past seven days...that's how things are going. In the last few days I've started to feel more comfortable, but the first week was definitely overwhelming. I actually think the hardest part has been making sure that Little Bobby doesn't feel neglected. We have spent the entire summer attached at the hip and suddenly there is someone new in the picture. I am having a hard time emotionally dealing with the idea of him feeling left out or resentful, even though he seems fine. The only time I notice his behavior has changed is during bed time, he is extra clingy to me these past few nights, as if he knows that when I leave the room I'm going to be snuggling someone else. It kinda breaks my heart.

You know, when I was in high school, I used to make my boyfriend lunch and bring it in to school in a brown paper bag and stick it in his locker. When I moved in with Big Bo when I was 24 I offered to do his laundry. I actually wanted to fold and put away his clothes. Why? I couldn't figure it out back then, but now I get it. I think in some weird way I was trying to mother them. I think I've always wanted to be a mother---even when I didn't know it, I felt most comfortable in the "mother" role. Now that I have two beautiful babies of my own and I really am a mother, I can't think of a single other thing in the world that could be more fulfilling. Driving in the mini-van with a car full of family gives me the greatest sense of accomplishment I've ever felt. No, it isn't easy. Especially when it's bed time and both boys are screaming and both of them want their Mommy to themselves...it definitely isn't easy. But it is SO worth it.

Fake or Friendly?

A recent comment from a friend has made me think about the concept of being "fake" when you are nice to someone who you don't particularly like. On one hand there are the people who swear that they are "real" and will tell you exactly how they feel about you; if they would say it behind your back you can be sure as shampoo that they would say it to your face. Then there are the people who put on a smile and nod in agreement with everything you are saying even when the whole time they are thinking "OMG, I can't wait to tell so-and-so every stupid thing this girl is saying to me."

It occurred to me that I'm not sure which side of the fence I land on here. Hopefully you'll hear me out and understand why I'm not sure which I think is a better way to be.

While no one appreciates someone who is two faced or fake, I tend to feel as if my concern with those admonishable qualities disintegrated with high school.  When someone is young and trying to find a place in their own little world they make mistakes, they open their big mouths, maybe they like one person one day and are rubbed the wrong way by them the next. Those things happen because they are still kids and they are just trying to figure out who they are and whom they want to be surrounded by.  But as you get older and your social circles become more separated and selective, these issues tend to fade away.

Personally, I try my best to only concern myself with people who I find uplifting, comforting, and positive.  This, unfortunately, is not always the way things go. You can't refuse to socialize with certain people just because they aren't your BFF.  When you're an adult and you have family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances that all operate in some fashion in your life, you aren't going to like all of them. You're downright going to be annoyed by some of them, disagree with them, and even go home to your husband or best friend or sister and ask them if they have a minute while you talk their ear off about whatever annoyance Debbie-Downer caused you to suffer through that day.  Now, just because you chose to suffer through it and not confront Debbie D about how badly you wanted to tell her that her conversation is making your ears itch...does that make you fake? Or does it make you mature and amicable?

Maybe there is a fine line.  I would never outwardly agree with someone in conversation who I actually disagree with.  I think that type of people-pleasing borders on lying and I think I used to do that when I was younger and possibly insecure with my own opinions.  However, I still don't think its necessarily my place to tell someone whether they are right or wrong or how to be.  I like to let people be who they are, even when I think I know better--and sometimes I really think I know better--hey, I'm an Aries. But no one is put on this earth to judge someone else, and so even if in my head I'm thinking "OMG, this person is crazy," is it right for me to tell them that? What good would it do? Wouldn't it just cause hurt feelings and a future awkward relationship?

At the same time, I am thinking of a woman that I work with who is extremely candid and honest and often jokes about how she doesn't know how to shut her big mouth.  I really like this woman.  She is the kind of person who makes you feel like you know exactly where she stands which is refreshing because there is no confusion or wondering whether or not you said or did the right thing, etc. She is wise and offers really raw advice when you need it, even if it's not something you want to hear.  So, what's the difference? Where is the distinction between my co worker's candid personality and someone who will "tell you exactly how they feel about you" or "tells it like it is"?

I try to have both of these qualities, in some way I suppose.  When someone seems to want my advice or my opinion, I think I can offer it to them in a way that is gentle but honest. I don't beat around the bush or sugar coat and I definitely don't just say what they want to hear.   And yet at the same time I'm able to socialize and amicably get along with people that I don't necessarily like all the time. And yes--I do go home and complain about these people to my husband.  Poor Bobby. Does that make me fake or just friendly? Are they mutually exclusive? I guess I'm not totally sold on either end of the subject yet and still have questions, but my life is pretty drama free to this point and I have so many wonderful people to surround myself and my family with...so for now I must have done something right.

How Kristen Stewart Ruins Everything Good

I was mildly interested in the 50 Shades of Grey craze this past spring when everyone I knew was reading it, but I just never had the time to get it (er, download it onto my Nook because I wouldn't be caught with the real thing). Finally, when I realized that my August was going to be a lot of sitting around super pregnant and uncomfortable, I decided to just get it. I really wanted to know what all the fuss was about and I'd given up on my other difficult reading ventures because I was just too uncomfortable to focus on anything too deep.

For the first half of the book, I only kept reading because I was certain it had to get better. I was distracted by the poor writing, much the way I feel about Elin Hilderbrand and Nora Roberts books. I hate reading things that seem too phony just for the sake of cheap romance, it takes me right out of the moment. However, somewhere along the way, I got super addicted to this stupid book.  Aside from SO many things that annoyed me, I kept coming back to find out what was happening with these stupid characters--much the way I felt about Twilight and the other three books in that series that I ran out to the store to purchase BEFORE I was even finished with the previous book.

I read Twilight before the movie came out. In fact, I think I was on Breaking Dawn by the time Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson made their big Hollywood achievement. There are certain character flaws about Bella that slightly irritated me upon reading it the first time, and I truly HATE the way Stewart represented her. I was glad I had read the book before seeing the movie because when I had to reread Twilight for a class I was taking on YA Lit, all I could picture was Stewart's stupid face the whole time I read it. The fact that Bella is so clumsy and awkward and all anti-girly and doesn't-know-how-to-put-on-make-up and falls when she tries to kick a soccer ball and slips on the ice, etc, just didn't appeal to me. I understand that this character is supposed to be appealing to girls who never felt like they fit in--I GET IT, but plenty of people feel that way in high school without those totally cliche attributes. Stewart made that whole thing worse for me when she was all bumbling-idiot-biting-her-lip-can't-make-eye-contact-but-can-still-manage-to-snag-the-hottest-guy-in-the-school type of awkward.

Unfortunately, Christian and Ana in 50 Shades remind me so much of a slightly older Edward and Bella that I keep having to struggle to picture people in these roles OTHER than Pattinson and Stewart. Think about it--the way that Christian is so over protective of Ana, the way he wants her to eat, to sleep, to be safe, the way that he just happens to be an expert pianist and knows all these RANDOM operas and classical pieces that no one has ever heard of, how even though Ana has never had a boyfriend it seems like every guy she meets is trying to get with her.... the way that Ana bites her lip and can't make eye contact but is actually super well-read and has that obsession with Tess of the d'Ubervilles the same way that Bella has the obsession with Pride and Prejudice...there are so many parallels it was straight up ANNOYING and yet I read on.

I kept thinking that maybe E.L. James was super into Bella and Edward and decided to raise their ages (well, Bella's age...Edward was 107 I think....) a bit so she could let them get a little freaky.

I almost NEED to see a movie version of 50 Shades just so I can read the next one in the trilogy and be able to picture someone else---ANYONE ELSE--other than Kristen Stupid Stewart in the Red Room of Pain.

No true point here...I will admit I read the whole book in like three days.  What can I say? It's a page turner.