How Kristen Stewart Ruins Everything Good

I was mildly interested in the 50 Shades of Grey craze this past spring when everyone I knew was reading it, but I just never had the time to get it (er, download it onto my Nook because I wouldn't be caught with the real thing). Finally, when I realized that my August was going to be a lot of sitting around super pregnant and uncomfortable, I decided to just get it. I really wanted to know what all the fuss was about and I'd given up on my other difficult reading ventures because I was just too uncomfortable to focus on anything too deep.

For the first half of the book, I only kept reading because I was certain it had to get better. I was distracted by the poor writing, much the way I feel about Elin Hilderbrand and Nora Roberts books. I hate reading things that seem too phony just for the sake of cheap romance, it takes me right out of the moment. However, somewhere along the way, I got super addicted to this stupid book.  Aside from SO many things that annoyed me, I kept coming back to find out what was happening with these stupid characters--much the way I felt about Twilight and the other three books in that series that I ran out to the store to purchase BEFORE I was even finished with the previous book.

I read Twilight before the movie came out. In fact, I think I was on Breaking Dawn by the time Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson made their big Hollywood achievement. There are certain character flaws about Bella that slightly irritated me upon reading it the first time, and I truly HATE the way Stewart represented her. I was glad I had read the book before seeing the movie because when I had to reread Twilight for a class I was taking on YA Lit, all I could picture was Stewart's stupid face the whole time I read it. The fact that Bella is so clumsy and awkward and all anti-girly and doesn't-know-how-to-put-on-make-up and falls when she tries to kick a soccer ball and slips on the ice, etc, just didn't appeal to me. I understand that this character is supposed to be appealing to girls who never felt like they fit in--I GET IT, but plenty of people feel that way in high school without those totally cliche attributes. Stewart made that whole thing worse for me when she was all bumbling-idiot-biting-her-lip-can't-make-eye-contact-but-can-still-manage-to-snag-the-hottest-guy-in-the-school type of awkward.

Unfortunately, Christian and Ana in 50 Shades remind me so much of a slightly older Edward and Bella that I keep having to struggle to picture people in these roles OTHER than Pattinson and Stewart. Think about it--the way that Christian is so over protective of Ana, the way he wants her to eat, to sleep, to be safe, the way that he just happens to be an expert pianist and knows all these RANDOM operas and classical pieces that no one has ever heard of, how even though Ana has never had a boyfriend it seems like every guy she meets is trying to get with her.... the way that Ana bites her lip and can't make eye contact but is actually super well-read and has that obsession with Tess of the d'Ubervilles the same way that Bella has the obsession with Pride and Prejudice...there are so many parallels it was straight up ANNOYING and yet I read on.

I kept thinking that maybe E.L. James was super into Bella and Edward and decided to raise their ages (well, Bella's age...Edward was 107 I think....) a bit so she could let them get a little freaky.

I almost NEED to see a movie version of 50 Shades just so I can read the next one in the trilogy and be able to picture someone else---ANYONE ELSE--other than Kristen Stupid Stewart in the Red Room of Pain.

No true point here...I will admit I read the whole book in like three days.  What can I say? It's a page turner.